Emotional Gold Digging

It's been such a long time! I'm so sorry to those of you who've nagged me about writing. I've had a few... complicated... months. With everything now more or less back on track, I'm making the resolution to post an entry every week, preferably on Wednesdays.

I think blogging about the details of one's personal life is pedestrian and presumptuous. More often than not, such writing spirals out of control to become merely venting. Who really wants to read about other people's frustrations? So, with regard to the last few months, I'll merely divulge the following: I underwent a serious situation that was both alarming and disappointing; the situation was serious enough that my personal safety was at stake and that the legal system needed to be involved. Everything is fine now, but the experience has definitely left me with more clarity. Some might call it cynicism, but such clarity is refreshing.

Now, enough about me. Let's talk about... pride and relationships. In America, we're usually taught to have pride in ourselves, to respect our desires, to just do what we want. In a society so focused on the individual, often, people forget that not everything is about toughing it out and winning. This is especially true with us, "independent modern females," who have been raised to be stubborn and competitive, scorning insecurities, indecisiveness, and "feelings." Such traits are excellent for work and for school... but not so much for relationships. As my mother (who's always right :P) says, "If you always act like you can handle everything, no one will want to be careful with you." When we always seem to be in control, over time, even sensitive guys will act more and more inconsiderate, not because they care less and less, but because they adapt to our ability to "be ok." Because of this, when events have escalated to a point such that we do react, their reaction is merely a self-righteous exclamation of "why are you acting so out of character?" Worse, our independence can be misconstrued as lack of concern: our self-righteous stubbornness makes others feel as if they are not as important to us as our pride. To put it outrageously: we put up with frigid power suits at work (if they're competent), but who wants one in bed (even if he/she is competent)?

I'll be the first to admit that I'm totally guilty. Because of the field in which I work, because of my upbringing, because of my previous relationships, because of a whole batch of excuses, I want to be so self-sufficient such that others won't worry about me. Over time, this kind of sentiment has become an avoidance of emotions such as pain, love, and guilt. Months ago, I would've said that I shouldn't have to change and that, if someone loves me, then they must realize how I actually feel, why I act the way that I do. Such belief is immature and selfish. Why should the other person have such unwavering faith and take such risks? If the reasoning is that we've been more misunderstood, hurt, burdened, etc., then we are no better than gold diggers; we are just "emotional gold diggers." Remember (like I often have to), relationships should be about giving and compromising, not about taking and winning. ;)

Snow Fall and Valentine's Day

I'm sure that you all expect me to compose some sarcastically witty rant regarding the looming Valentine's Day, such as how it's a holiday for companies to prey upon naive romantics or how sappy lovebirds are merely in a constant state of self-delusion. Well, sorry to disappoint. This is _not_ one of those. :P

First, an aside: Listening to peppy dance pop on my iPod, I walked around Cambridge this past weekend in the midst of subzero wind chill and the random snow "dumpings," as I like to call it. (Imagine someone in the sky sporadically emptying huge trash barrels of snow. That's how it snowed this weekend.) I realized why I decided to stay in Cambridge. Strange, I know. So, the truth: As a tiny girl (in poofy dresses.... Don't Ask.) growing up in Taiwan, I loved Hans Christian Anderson fairy tales; I always tried to imagine how brick roads and buildings would look when covered in snow. When we relocated back to the US, we moved to the suburbs of Cleveland, nested in the middle of the snow belt. Snow was more than abundant. Too abundant, perhaps. All the cookie cutter houses seemed to be almost collapsing under the weight of the packed snow. That kind of snow was neither pleasant nor serene. Cambridge, however, have these perfect snow dustings and these perfect little brick houses and roads against this perfect lavender night. Such quaint storybook scenes make me embarrassingly satisfied.

So, anyway, during my walk, I noticed a lot of undergrads doing the usual pseudo-last-minute gift shopping. When the thought of "Aw, they're so cute. They still believe in the value of these grandiose romantic gestures." (in Chinese, of course) flitted through my head, I felt incredibly jaded. However, it's not true that I believe Valentine's Day to be retarded and useless. To say so would not only be lying and condescending but would also suggest that I'm bitter, which I'm not. While it is true that I'm basically only familiar with horrifying Valentine's Day "experiences" which has led to my associating the day with trauma or pending doom, I do think that Valentine's Day is good for modern people. Being so over-committed and ambitious, we're constantly checking e-mail, juggling schedules, scrambling at work, rushing to places, etc. This "holiday" reminds us to make time to show people for whom we care that we do care. Not with chocolates and flowers and reservations and cliche gestures, but simply via a intimate look and a couple of sincere words.

The "H-Bomb" for Girls

I've always wondered why Americans consider intelligence, especially in women, to be as much a turn-off as leprosy. It's a common joke among friends that, for guys, dropping the H-bomb (i.e. admitting Hah-vahd affiliation) will almost always change a girl's attitude from utter disinterest to excessive fawning. Unless of course she has her own H-bomb to drop. On the other hand, for girls, dropping the H-bomb usually serves as the perfect repellent for the "god's gift to women" who just won't take the not-so-subtle hints. Seriously.

We all know the stereotype that smart girls are (a) crazy, (b) frigid, (c) unattractive, or (d) any combination of the above. To some extent, all of those descriptions are true. We do have the tendency to be too focused on work and too demanding of success that we just can't let a relationship not work, view our ambitions to be more important than relationships, or obsess about maintaining a professionally respectable image. However, to be frank, it's not as if other girls don't have issues of greater concern. So, why the aversion?

The issue comes down to intelligence. As of late, a greater number of women are attending college as well as graduate schools, entering previously heavily male-dominated fields, and becoming the focus of social spotlights. There are now women who, because of their competence, are confident and unafraid to challenge those around them, male or female. Society has yet to truly adapt to this phenomenon. On the surface, all educated men will claim to view women as equals. In relationships, however, most guys still prefer to be in control, to be the one "wearing the pants." When their girlfriends are more successful, frustration (whether conscious or otherwise) often festers and leads to the guys’ behaving in conventionally asshole-like manners to assert their masculinity. From personal observation, this can start with cheating (often with much less intelligent girls) and escalate to sociopathic emotional torment and even physical abuse. The goal is to chip away at a girl's confidence until she questions her own self-worth, until she becomes manageably submissive. Now, after such experiences, why wouldn't a girl be paranoid, jaded, emotionally guarded, and starving for affection? Can you blame her for her “craziness” or “frigidity”?

I think the most important lesson for girls here is that we should be aware of guys' sensitivities, whether they admit to such vulnerabilities or not. I am most definitely not suggesting that we hide our abilities or pretend to be less than we are, but we should perhaps be more aware of when we may be unconsciously "flaunting" our successes. Men have fragile egos.

At the same time, guys, your girlfriend's being more "competent" doesn't mean that you're less of a man. In fact, being able to be proud of her would only demonstrate your security and confidence, which only serves to establish you as more of a man and to increase your hotness factor. Also, you know, if we are committed to you, then you're clearly the best in our eyes, and, since we’re brilliant, we obviously know what we’re talking about. :P