Emotional Gold Digging

It's been such a long time! I'm so sorry to those of you who've nagged me about writing. I've had a few... complicated... months. With everything now more or less back on track, I'm making the resolution to post an entry every week, preferably on Wednesdays.

I think blogging about the details of one's personal life is pedestrian and presumptuous. More often than not, such writing spirals out of control to become merely venting. Who really wants to read about other people's frustrations? So, with regard to the last few months, I'll merely divulge the following: I underwent a serious situation that was both alarming and disappointing; the situation was serious enough that my personal safety was at stake and that the legal system needed to be involved. Everything is fine now, but the experience has definitely left me with more clarity. Some might call it cynicism, but such clarity is refreshing.

Now, enough about me. Let's talk about... pride and relationships. In America, we're usually taught to have pride in ourselves, to respect our desires, to just do what we want. In a society so focused on the individual, often, people forget that not everything is about toughing it out and winning. This is especially true with us, "independent modern females," who have been raised to be stubborn and competitive, scorning insecurities, indecisiveness, and "feelings." Such traits are excellent for work and for school... but not so much for relationships. As my mother (who's always right :P) says, "If you always act like you can handle everything, no one will want to be careful with you." When we always seem to be in control, over time, even sensitive guys will act more and more inconsiderate, not because they care less and less, but because they adapt to our ability to "be ok." Because of this, when events have escalated to a point such that we do react, their reaction is merely a self-righteous exclamation of "why are you acting so out of character?" Worse, our independence can be misconstrued as lack of concern: our self-righteous stubbornness makes others feel as if they are not as important to us as our pride. To put it outrageously: we put up with frigid power suits at work (if they're competent), but who wants one in bed (even if he/she is competent)?

I'll be the first to admit that I'm totally guilty. Because of the field in which I work, because of my upbringing, because of my previous relationships, because of a whole batch of excuses, I want to be so self-sufficient such that others won't worry about me. Over time, this kind of sentiment has become an avoidance of emotions such as pain, love, and guilt. Months ago, I would've said that I shouldn't have to change and that, if someone loves me, then they must realize how I actually feel, why I act the way that I do. Such belief is immature and selfish. Why should the other person have such unwavering faith and take such risks? If the reasoning is that we've been more misunderstood, hurt, burdened, etc., then we are no better than gold diggers; we are just "emotional gold diggers." Remember (like I often have to), relationships should be about giving and compromising, not about taking and winning. ;)