Honest Confessions and "Finding Myself"

What does "I need to find myself" even mean? It feels like a cope-out.

Whatever. I haven't written in a while again Now, I've decided to restart. I feel like writing into"the void" is therapeutic -- as if someone is actually hearing me. Writing in a journal, paper or electronic, just doesn't feel the same way. Perhaps that's because I feel like I'm merely repeating thoughts in my own head.

I think it's time for me to be honest. I've always been too proud to be honest with a lot of my own feelings. I never wanted to appear weak or desperate.... or not independent... because, of course, I should be able handle basically anything that life throws at me: "Having survived so much physical and emotional trauma on my own, what can't I handle?" Also, by keeping my own needs and feelings in check and within myself, I felt like I can be more helpful to those closest to me in dealing with their issues. I want those closest to me to think that I have the answers, that I can take care of myself. I never wanted people to truly worry about me in their times of trouble. I tried so hard to be doing "the right things" and let them do whatever they felt like they needed to do -- but it seems that my behavior only leads to things working out for everyone else. In the end, I just get screwed.... and no one knows. Everyone thinks that it's so much easier to believe that I'm always ok.

And truth is: I am SO not ok. Perhaps all this type of behavior gets me.... is here.

So, where is here?

I'm alone in a city that I don't like. I'm working. And working. And working. And pretending to be happy living this sham of a life. And occasionally doing very self-destructive things.

How did this happen?

I have no idea. I'll admit that, this time, I have no idea.

A little over a year ago, right now, I felt like I had support, that I'd found someone who cared deeply about me, that everything would work out, that I would be in California. Then in late August, to be cliche, life just jerked the rug out from under me. My then boyfriend.... well, let's insert a back story here....

(He and I started dating at the very beginning of 2008. We'd been through a lot given traumatic events that I experienced, given his incessant bouts of depression/lashing out. We had been long distance for a year at this point... Throughout the relationship, I tried to be patient and supportive. I really believed in him, in us. Because of my own experiences, I wasn't able to ever truly trust people or let anything become emotionally close.... This time, I confronted this. He convinced me that I could trust him with my life.... that he would always be there for me. So, I was the same to him. I told myself that I would do whatever it was that he needed and that I would support him no matter what he did. However, I have to admit, it was a volatile process. When he was happy, I was happy, and we were amazing. When he was depressed as he often was during the last year of our relationship and the first year of business school, I was miserable, and we fought.)

.... So, he Skyped me from Cambodia to let me know that he needed space and "alone time" to find himself. I understood... conceptually. He did promise that he was doing it for himself but also indirectly for us... because I was supposedly "irreplaceable" and that if he were capable of being properly in a relationship... he would see himself with me. Etc. etc. And I believed him.... So many people have said that this was retarded... I'm not unaware. I had seen how he was that last year, and I knew that he needed to sort himself out... As much as it hurt, I also realized that the only way for him to do so was while not with me -- during the relationship, it was too easy to assign blame for any negativity to me and to shift responsibility to me. However, the understanding part didn't mitigate the hurt. Making matters worse, I had already terminated my lease to move to California, where he was and was less than a month from moving. My life was literally in a storage box in Boston. In that one Skype conversation, I became boyfriend-less, homeless, and totally stranded. At that point, I had also just stopped talking to my mother....

Yet, I felt like I needed to hide my reaction. I needed to hide how not ok I was, how I truly did not see it coming, how helpless I felt.... Because then I would be weak... and feel rejected and desperate. And he would worry... and feel badly... and not be able to do what he needed to do.

So, I shutdown... or tried to. Tried to shutdown and make myself feel better by feeling nothing... like I always did. But I couldn't. I wanted to not be awake or aware or conscious. Everything was killing me. So, I did the one thing that I should have learned not to do from my last emotionally invested relationship.... time for another aside....

(In high school, after certain traumatic experiences, I was emotionally a mess. The only time that I was a truly out-of-control mess. I was immensely depressed, couldn't help myself at all, and felt entirely worthless and insecure. During that time, I met someone who tried so hard to reach me emotionally. He help me through that very dark time; so, even though it was only 4-5 months long, that relationship.... saved me. I've never admitted this except to my closes friends: I truly owe him my life and who I am now. Without him, I don't know how I would have made it through that time, and, for that, I will always be grateful and here for him if he ever needed anything.... Anyway, subsequently, certain unfortunate events occurred, which left us with a grave misunderstanding. He was hurt but would never admit it..... and I was lost and confused and couldn't emotionally shutdown again... Exactly, how I felt this last August. Of course, in that state, I messed up. I jumped into another relationship that was entirely neither right nor healthy -- which also ended up screwing me in the end in the worst ways possible in college. Consequently, my high school ex and I didn't speak for years... If I hurt him, he never admitted it. We off and on made weak efforts to sort things out over the course of 7 years... For those 7 years, I never truly apologized or tried to really admit what I wanted and how I felt. By the time I realized, it just wasn't it was anymore... And nothing could be fixed. Now, we barely talk. Maybe it still would have end up as nothing if I had been honest and not afraid, but, at least, I would've tried.)

... The lesson I learned then was to not let my own confusion, self-destructiveness, and desperate attempts to regain control take over and lead me into the really stupid decision of immediately jumping into a not-thought-through relationship.... in an attempt to destroy whatever was left... to force myself to reset.... to pretend to move on and facilitate feigning a state of okay-ness.

Of course, this was exactly what I then proceeded to do last August.

I had nowhere to go, and one of my guy friends was available. He appeared nice/sweet, etc., then and really wanted me. And I did exactly what I should have known not to do: I jumped into a not-thought-through relationship. More than that, I submerged entirely myself in a not-thought-through relationship: I drowned out all the pain and hurt and real feelings that I had.... with feelings that I tried to convince myself were real. I dove in so deep in order to not feel myself: we moved in together immediately. Needless to say, that did not end up healthily -- physically fights, concussions, emotional abuse, etc. In the end, to literally save myself, I moved out by February.

So, I am here. In the exact place I was. Without knowing it, I have been repeating the pattern. I tried to let this last ex believe that I was ok, that I saw it coming, that I wasn't hurt. In the end, given how I feel now, it's obvious that none of that was true. However, in that process, I messed up. I wasn't there for him (I was made to cut off all ties with him), and I hurt him... even though he won't ever admit it just like my high school ex. I ran away instead of behaving authentically.... even though I've insisting on acting honestly... forced myself to act honestly during all this time after my high school ex. The one time it matters... I didn't. Again.

I heard through the grapevines of facebook that he's now seeing someone. The truth is: I just can't deal. I know I did something orders of magnitude more severe.... but I didn't leave to "need alone time to find myself." I believed that he would do what he needed to do and come back for me, like he said he would. I should have admitted my pain. I should have waited like I wanted to. I should have acted authentically... like the hurt, abandoned person I was and not worried about my pride or image or whatever.

I walked down the street to work this morning, and I felt like a zombie. Right now, I really wish that I had an "Undo" button. Or a "Generate Valium Prescription" button. Or a "Put Oneself in a Coma" button.

So, I've decided to just admit everything. Fuck if it makes me look stupid or desperate. Maybe this is the only time.... I should get it out while I can. It has been long, long overdue.